Panic
by Galathealove
Summary: Draco gets panic attacks caused by the war and Harry has problems with Ginny. Can they get over their past and move on?
1. Chapter 1

"_Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you."_ Joey Adams

–

_Draco POV_

I feel all of them looking at me. Why can't they stop staring? I know they think I'm just a filthy Death Eater but why do they have to STARE? I'm standing in the platform nine and three quarters waiting for the train. I don't really know why I have to be here, it's not as if I wanted to return but I had no choice. And anywhere is better than in a home that is corrupted with that madman. And I don't even know if I mean Voldemort of my father.

"Draco! You're here!" I hear someone squealing and then I see Pansy running to me and she jumps to my arms and suddenly all feels just slightly better.

"Look at you, Pansy! I could never have imagined you running around and acting as if you cared about others!" Pansy snorts and I feel my face softening. "It's good to see you!"

"It's good to see you too! I never would have guessed that I would say this but I missed your sense of humour." Her face turns a bit sad. "At some point I thought I'd never have you back, with all that happened in the sixth year..." Her voice trails off and we just stand there, looking at each other and not caring about the people around us for a moment. Then the train whistles.

"I guess it's time for us to get on, let's find a compartment where we can be alone."

"I hope Blaise has that covered, I saw him earlier and told him to find a place to sit while I look for you."

At that moment we hear him calling "Draco, Pansy, come here!" from one window and we head to the compartment he's in. The moment I step in I find myself with a lapful of Blaise telling how good it is to see me again. After the emotional part we both get embarrassed and I head farther in to sit down. We talk about light subjects and from the corner of my eye I see the crowd outside getting more and more excited.

"It's Potter, he's also coming back this year", Pansy offers, a bit malice in her voice. I understand, he still has my wand. And I wouldn't have wanted the thoughts about what happened in the Room of Requirement to slip back to the surface, I thought I had gotten over it. Except the regular nightmares.

"I thought he would just become an auror right away", I try to control my curiousness, in the end it isn't my business why he's returning.

"I heard he needs the NEWTs to make it. And maybe he wants some time with that redhead girlfriend of his, they will both be in the same lessons in the end", Blaise offers his opinion.

"Mm, I forgot that." The train accelerating overwhelming all voices and we are quiet for a moment. That is, until there is a knock in the door and a very self-conscious looking Harry Potter opens the door.

"Can I talk with you Malfoy?"

"Sure." I will not be helping him with anything, that's for sure.

"Alone."

I stand up and walk out to the passage. Pansy and Blaise seem to be pretty much speechless.

"So, what did you want to say?" His hand reaching for a wand makes me tense and he notices, slowing down and explaining.

"I just wanted to return your wand, I have my own now and I guess you have good use to it!" I just stare at him, totally frozen. He looks at me a bit worried. "Malfoy, you're in there?"

"Ah, yes, sorry." I take the wand and suddenly I can feel a fresh wind around me and smell the spring, suddenly I feel somehow _whole._ Judging by Potter's face he notices it too. I smile to him, a genuine, happy smile and he just looks at me as though I was too bright to look at straight but right then, I don't think. "Thank you, Potter!"

He still looks at me, his eyes big and the green even deeper than I remembered. "Oh, no problem. Any time. You don't need to..."

"Potter", I interrupt. "You're babbling."

"Ah, sorry. I'll just... go now. See you!" And so he walks away.

I go back to Blaise and Pansy and they look at me.

"Well, what did he say?"

"He gave my wand back." I just smile and Pansy jumps up to hug me. We dance a little, happy, before remembering our place. We sit down and start a conversation about the beginning year and how we are going to survive with all the bad blood.

–

Finally we arrive to the Hogwarts and get to the Great Hall for sorting. All the Slytherins seem to be more quiet than usually, but the others make noise to fill the absence of that we would make.

When the sorting is over all the students but the eight-years are sent to their houses. McGonagall says she has something to tell us and we stay, the little there's left of our year.

"So, since this year we are going to have you here and we can't really place you with the actual seventh-years we have decided to have you as a different house having it's own lessons and living together. So, this year you are just eight-years, no other houses, is that clear?" Everyone nods and McGonagall goes on. "Now, divide yourself to pairs so that we can decide where you will be sleeping. And no boys and girls together!"

Everyone seems thankful for the fact that we can self decide at least one room mate and pares up. I end up with Blaise which I'm happy about. Pansy looks at me pleadingly, not wanting to pare up with anyone, least my almost-fiancé Astoria Greengrass she ends up with.

"Okay, now we'll be dividing you into rooms of four. Or five", McGonagall looks at Potter, Weasley and Longbottom who seem to be a pair.

"But Headmistress, there would be one boy alone otherwise!" Potter says and McGonagall just smiles.

"Now, everyone write your and your partner's name on a piece of parchment and bring them here into the sorting hat." Everyone complies and soon the hat spits out the first two pieces of paper.

"Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood and Pansy Parkinson, Astoria Greengrass" I hear Pansy swearing and shoot her an apologetic look.

"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom and Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy." I can feel the blood getting off my face when I look at Blaise, only to see the same terror in his eyes. I can hear the Weasel, no, Weasley wondering loudly what bad he had done to end up with us snakes.

"Mr. Weasley, this year will be dedicated to new beginnings and second chances. You all are welcome here and I will _not_ have _anyone_ questioning another's right to exist, is this clear? You will not judge each other based on assumptions but get to know each other and work together in order to get our new world work." Everyone looks at her, I thankfully, Gryffindors not so happily. I can already see how blissful life we will have in our dorm.

After dividing all rooms we go to the new common room in a tower in the northern part of the castle, the entrance being in the fourth floor. It's weird to have windows that look overground and not into the lake.

I take the bed farthest away from the door, in the dark corner and Blaise settles to the one next to mine. The one next to his is occupied by Longbottom and Potter and Weasley take the ones by the window.

We sit in silence, not looking at each other straight. And then I can feel it again, the sudden tension, the air pushing out of my lungs and the icy hand pressing around my chest, suffocating. My breathing gets more and more shallow and black dots start dancing in font of my eyes. I feel like freezing and falling, falling, falling down. My eyes have gone wide and I know I will faint soon from the lack of oxygen in my blood. I can hear the screaming, all the tortured ones that were in the Manor, they haunt me in my weakest moments, all that the Death Eaters did, all that I was made to do. And I scream. And then everything goes black.

–

I can hear Blaise talking. "It's all right. He's been having these panic attacks since the war. Healers say it's a reaction to the pressure he was under during the war."

"Are you really sure we shouldn't take him to the hospital wing?" Potters voice sounds worried. Why is he worried? Oh, yes, because I got all crazy in front of them. Why do I always have to ruin everything? Not that there could have been anything between us.

"Don't worry, Harry! He probably just wants attention!" Weasel, of course.

"Ron, didn't you see him? It's not all right!" Why is Potter so worried about me? There's no point, I do know I'm not worthy of him. I open my eyes and find myself staring at green ones, full of caring. I'm speechless, his smile makes me want to smile too. Even if the coldness has yet to leave my chest, heart, I can feel it slowly beginning to melt, his eyes bringing spring to me.

"Draco, you're all right? That was worse than for a long time! Is it because you're back here?"

"Yes Blaise. And it wasn't even bad, I'm fine. And I'm sorry. If I do that again just cast a silencing charm over me so that you won't hear."

"How can you say that? Do you want us to be as indifferent as Voldemort?" Potter, of course he would disagree.

"Unlike you, Potter, all of us are not war heroes. I'm not worth your worry, it's just easier if you ignore my panic attacks. Then I can at least think I'm not bothering you." Potter stares at me in disbelief. Would he want to be worried of me, of a filthy Death Eater? Oh, I forgot, his hero complex. Of course he would want to save me, save everyone.

"You heard him, Harry. If he says he's all right, he's all right."

"I'm not gonna just ignore someone's pain, I'm not that cold. But I won't talk to you about it if you don't want me to." Didn't Potter really hear what Weasel just said? Oh, why am I calling him Weasel again? I look at Blaise, too tired to drive everyone away myself. Only Longbottom seems to be away from my bed. And _Weasley _is of course indifferent, what else could I have waited?

"Okay, now you heard it's fine so what if we all leave Draco alone and let him rest", Blaise is really a good friend. I smile to him thankfully and he smiles back and then walks to his bead.

I undress and fall to restless sleep. At least I don't have any dreams.

–

When I wake up it's early morning. No one else is up but there's no point in going back to sleep so I head to the showers. I cast a silencing charm and start to sing as the water slides down my naked body, singing to no one in particular even though somewhere at the edge of my sight there is messy, dark hair and green eyes.

"_I wake up in the morning, put on my face_

_The one that's gonna get me trough another day_

_Doesn't really matter how I feel inside_

_'Cause life is like a game sometimes._

_But then you came around me, the walls just disappeared_

_Nothing to surround me, keep me from my fears_

_I'm unprotected, see how I've opened up you've made me trust_

_Because I've never felt like this before_

_I'm naked around you, does it show?_

_You see right trough me and I can't hide_

_I'm naked around you, and it feels so right_

_I'm trying to remember why I was afraid_

_To be myself and let the covers fall away_

_I guess I never had someone like you_

_To help me, to help me fit in my skin_

_I've never felt like this before_

_I'm naked around you, does it show?_

_You see right trough me and I can't hide_

_I'm naked around you, and it feels so right_" Somehow singing has been most helpful thing to all sorrow and pain and it has become a habit.

Last summer I once run from the Malfoy grounds and around the countryside just to find a cute muggle girl with an apparatus she called mp3-player. She put the headphones to my ears and I heard music, so sad it made me forget my own pain for a moment. She gave the player to me, said I needed it more than she. I said that I didn't deserve her kindness after all I had done and she just laughed. It made me feel a bit better, feel like I might have a place in this world after all. It gave me the hope I needed to go on, to come back.

When I exit the shower Blaise is awake as well as Longbottom but Potter and Weasley are still snoring.

"Should we wake them up?" Blaise wonders.

"We will wake them when we leave so that they won't get breakfast. Then they'll remember they need to get up now, that it's not like a holiday", Longbottom answers. "Otherwise they'll wait that we wake them up always, trust me!"

"Oh, you know them. We trust you. Will you come to eat with us then?" I look at Blaise surprised, it isn't his habit to offer his friendship to all but maybe one gets privileges for living together.

"Sure."

When we leave Longbottom takes a book and hits it to Potter's and Weasley's heads. They jump up annoyed.

"What are you doing Neville!" They shout in unison.

"Waking you up," Longbottom grins. He has obviously changed during the war, the unsure boy I remembered is gone. In his place there is a man with confidence and self-esteem, a man like I used to be (without the bitchy part).

We eat our breakfast and go to the lessons. Potter and Weasley get there barely in time and Weasley shots a venomous glare to me.

"Why didn't you wake us in time?" He asks, irritated.

"Ask Longbottom, he said we shouldn't."

"Of course you blame Neville! Now, tell the reason!"

"Ron, it really was me. You need to get used to early wake-ups and not getting breakfast _is _the best way so far!" Weasley mumbles something and the lesson continues.

At lunch I have finally time to talk to Pansy and tell her about the attack last evening. She is worried but we both know there is nothing to do. As long as I don't feel comfortable and safe they won't end. When we exit the Great Hall I spot Potter with his girlfriend, obviously having an argument.

"So we won't be seeing in school any more, you have a separate house, separate lessons, separate table. When _will _we see? Or do you just want to stop seeing me altogether?"

"Ginny listen, this is not my idea, I don't want it but what can I do?"

"Of course you can do something, just talk to McGonagall! She will listen to you for sure!"

"Ginny... I can't do that. It's not like I didn't want to, but I really do think that our year needs this new beginning and chance to get to know each other. There is so few left we shouldn't waste it. We can always meet in the free time or do homework together or whatever you want!"

"Hmph. Sure." Weaslette walks away looking sour and angry and Potter is left alone, frustrated.

"We should go before he notices us, he wouldn't be pleased to find us eavesdropping."

"But we're not!"

"But you know his temper. I don't want to step on his toes right now!"

–

In the evening in our dorm Blaise and Longbottom are talking, Potter joining in every now and then. I read and Weasley tries to finish his homework. The book is interesting so Blaise has to repeat his question.

"Draco, would you join a truth or dare?" I stare at him, not believing my ears.

"That's a teenage girls' game!"

"Yes, but we need to get to know each other and everyone else is in."

"Well... Sure." It won't hurt. As long as I don't choose truth. We sit on the floor in a circle and Blaise takes an empty fire whiskey bottle out of his trunk. Potter and Weasley stare at it but when Blaise raises a brow they just shrug.

"Okay, so I'll take the first turn, everyone knows the rules?" asks Blaise spinning the bottle. Nobody answers. When the bottle stops the cork points to Potter. "So, truth or dare, Potter?"

"Umh... I guess truth since we won't get to know each other by daring."

"Well well... How many girls have you kissed? Or boys for that matter."

"What! Hmm... Well... I... Two." Potter's face turns to red. He spins the bottle and it points me. Oh shit.

"Malfoy. Truth or dare?"

I don't waste time thinking. "Dare."

"Okay... Show me your left arm." My eyes get big as I realise why he asks me this. I open my sleeve and lift it, revealing unmarred skin. He inhales and then his face softens.

"I thought so, even though I have to say I wasn't sure", he smiles to me and my lips rise on their own account before I get them under control. I reach to the bottle.

Longbottom wants a truth so I ask whether Lovegood is his girlfriend and the blush in his face reveals things even though the answer is no. When Longbottom asks Blaise of his girlfriends I sigh, we won't get out of here before the next week for Blaise's list of girlfriends is nearly endless. He answers surprisingly quickly and when he gets to dare me I get a really bad feeling. Well, a truth would have been worse.

"I dare you to kiss Potter."

"WHAT!" I and Potter shout in unison.

"You heard me, I want Draco to kiss Potter. If you only take dares I want it to be something more than 'jump around one leg in the air'."

I breath deep and stand, walking to Potter. His eyes are huge and he stares at me. I lean closer to reach his lips.

"And I want a good kiss, not a slight peck!" Damn you Blaise!

I collect all the courage I have left in me and kiss Harry Potter, the Saviour of the Wizard World. As I move my lips I can feel him answering and as our tongues brush against each other all I feel is sheer bliss. As Potter pulls back I can see the want in his eyes as well as his blush but I also remember he has a girlfriend. As the same thought enters his thoughts he turns away and looks down. Everyone is silent and the clock ticking in the wall sounds suddenly really loud.

"Thanks, that was refreshing", Blaise says, happily as ever. However, I can see the embarrassment in his movements, I doubt anyone else can. I guess he remembered Potter's girlfriend too late. Well, it's not my problem.

"Would you all be kind and not mention that to Ginny. She's already angry with me for all the new arrangements and I don't thinks she would find it delighting to find out I'm kissing boys behind her back."

"Sure, but boys? You have kissed other boys too? And do _you_ find it delighting?" Blaise, straightforward as always. Potter blushes but doesn't answer. The game carries on but I find it hard to concentrate. Luckily the bottle doesn't point me so I have time to think about the kiss while listening to others asking stupid questions and daring equally stupid things with one ear. I am deep in my thoughts and when Longbottom asks if I want truth or dare I stupidly pick truth.

"Okay... Are you in love with someone?" Everyone looks at me. I don't know why they are interested in such things and don't know what to say. Well, I'm not in _love _with someone, merely interested. Maybe. Or then it's just him being the famous Saviour and someone I could never get.

"No", I answer coolly.

"But you're interested in someone, aren't you?" Blaise sure knows me too well.

"Maybe, but it's never going to work out."

"Poor Draco. You're so good-looking any girl would happily take you even though you fought in Voldemort's side", Blaise winks and I snort. Others seem a bit troubled and Blaise laughs. I don't know why but suddenly I find us laughing so hardly I barely stay upright and tears flow from Blaise's eyes.

"Exactly why are you laughing?" Potter demands.

"Because any _girl... _Oh my gods, it's just hilarious!" Blaise exclaims shakily.

"Why is that a reason?"

"Because I'm gay, Potter", I answer, a bit calmed down.

"And when he could get any girl! I just don't get it why he never wants things he can get easily! Everything must always be so complicated! I bet the one he is interested in is someone like you, Potter, any girl's dream!" I feel embarrassed, how is it possible that Blaise knows me this well? But Potter blushes and stands up.

"I think it's time to go to bed, don't you?"

"Yes, sure. Good night!"

"Night!"

"Night, and Harry and Ron, don't oversleep, will you?"

"We won't..."

The last thing I hear is Weasley muttering to Potter "But GAY? Why is _he_ always the weird one?" but have no energy to care. I fall into restless sleep where fire is trying to eat me alive. In the last moment I see someone approaching but it's already too late and I burn, screaming.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I was in too much hurry posting the first chapter. So, I own nothing and the song in chapter one is Avril Lavigne's Naked. In this chapter the song is Evanescence's Disappear. **

–

I wake up. Blaise is sitting by my bed. "Draco!" he whispers. "You're awake, good. You were screaming and I thought it was best to wake you. No one else woke and it's not really early so I'm not going back to bed. Are you going to take a shower? I can come with you if you want and..."

"Blaise, it's all right. Thanks! And I'm sorry but it would just make me more lonely. So thank you but no. I'll rather just sing."

"You know, once I heard someone say that a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. So if you want I can sing with you. You know, you are the best friend I've got and I don't intend to lose you, I will stand by your side no matter what!"

"Blaise... Thank you! You don't know how much that really means to me! And if you want you can of course sing with me, it would be nice! And you're really important to me too!" So we go to the bathroom and I cast silencing charms so that the others won't hear us. We undress and when the water is running Blaise calls me.

"You start and choose the song."

"Okay... But these are muggle songs, I don't know if you know them."

"It doesn't matter, I just do the backing vocals then", Blaise just smiles. He really is a good friend.

"_Hollow, like you don't remember me_

_Underneath everything I guess I always dreamed_

_That I would be the one to take you away from all this waisted pain_

_But I can't save you from yourself_

_Don't you want to feel_

_Don't you want to live your life_

_How much longer are you going to give into the fear_

_Holding you down until you're frozen_

_I can't let you fall apart_

_You don't even know what you've done to me_

_But I would be the one to take you away from all this waisted pain_

_If you could juts wake up_

_Don't you want to feel_

_Don't you want to live your life_

_How much longer are you going to give into the fear_

_Holding you down until you're_

_All alone_

_All alone and drowning in your past_

_Take it back_

_Take it back I still believe you can_

_Don't you want to feel_

_Don't you want to live your life_

_How much longer are you going to give into the fear_

_I can't go on pretending so give me something real_

_No one in your way but you_

_How much longer are you going to give into the fear_

_Holding you down till you disappear"_ I just sing and somehow Blaise manages to sing along, making the song richer and more beautiful. When it ends I hug Blaise and try to draw energy from his warmth.

"You know, I could sing those words to you. It's as if the song told about you", Blaise whispers. I smile to him, in the same time thankfully and sadly.

We dress and when we get out of the bathroom all the others are awake and stare at us. What do they think we were doing, having sex? It occurs to me that that probably was the exact thought in their heads for they blush and don't look us in the eye. Once again it's Blaise to break the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"We weren't having sex if that's what you think, we're just friends. And I'm not gay, just so that you know, and there are indeed things I wouldn't do even if Draco asked, and having sex with a guy is included in that list." I don't know why but Potter's tensed shoulders relax. Would it really be that uncomfortable for him to share a dorm room with a gay couple?

–

I sit in potions class. Usually I find potions highly interesting but now I can't concentrate. All I can see is how Potter bites his lips or pokes them with his quill. He seems oblivious to me so I spend most of the lesson looking at him, trying to analyse what it is that makes me interested in him. When Pansy nudges me with her elbow I notice a quick glance Potter throws at our direction but know better than to think anything about it.

"What is it, you've been staring at Potter for the whole lesson! He will probably soon turn to ashes under your heated gaze!"

"Am I that obvious?" It can't be!

"No, silly. I'm just teasing because you have hots for the Saviour, he's probably completely oblivious to you looking at him."

"I don't have hots for him! I'm merely inspecting him to analyse the effect our kiss had on me."

"_Kiss?"_ Pansy shouts and the whole class turns to us.

"Would you like to share with the class, Parkinson?"

"Umh no, it's nothing, I'm sorry!" Pansy blushes and waits until everyone has turned away until she turns back to me. I notice one gaze lingering at us longer than the others.

"You _kissed _last night? Really?"

"Blaise just dared me to kiss him, we played truth or dare, so it's nothing. And he has a girlfriend."

"Do I hear envy? Is my dear little Draco in love with Harry Potter?"

"I'm _not_ in love with him, maybe a little interested but that's all!"

"Oh my, oh my! That's good Draco, I'm happy for you! Now you just have to make him fall in love with you!"

"I'm not going to do anything, he is in a long-term relationship I do not intend to break. But if he for some reason leaves Weaslette I will catch him if I can." Pansy smiles at me reassuringly and I know she will stand by me. I just hope Blaise will too.

–

I sit in our dorm alone, studying potions. Blaise is off with some girl and the others usually spend most of the time in the common room. When the door opens and Potter steps in I tense. What is he doing here alone? He walks to his bed and grabs a book. Then he changes his mind and sets it on the bed. Then he walks closer to me.

"Malfoy?"

"Yes, Potter?"

"Umh, I was wondering... Or not really wondering... I just..."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I almost killed you in the sixth year. I didn't even know what the spell did and I used it on you. I apologise."

"You didn't know! That explains a lot. But it doesn't matter, I just got what I deserved."

"No, you were crying and I just ran in and accused you of all things. I should have seen how much in pain you were!"

"You accused me of things I had done. You have nothing to apologise for!" I smile to him weakly and play with my ring. "I, on the other hand, have a lot to be sorry for. I apologise for being a jerk for all our time in school, it's no wonder you hate me. And even though, you saved my life. Thank you!" Must keep the lid on, must keep the lid on. Must _not _let the feelings free, must _not let the feelings free!_

"I don't hate you, I just don't know what to think of you. And you shouldn't thank me, you and your mother saved my life more than once. So thank _you_!" I just look at his face and suddenly I can see the roaming flames coming closer and closer, they threaten to overwhelm him and suddenly the air is too hot for me to breath so I just stop. Last thing I feel before sinking into lightless void is someone grabbing my shoulders, shaking and then pulling my lifeless body into a soft embrace.

–

I wake up. Potter is sitting by my bed and looking at me worryingly. How long have I been unconscious? Probably not long since we are still alone.

"Malfoy? What happened?"

"I just got another panic attack", I answer weakly. Not breathing really isn't a good habit.

"Yes but why? Did I do something? You just stopped breathing and then collapsed!"

"It wasn't you, I just remembered something. And yes, sometimes I scream, sometimes I just faint, the only thing in common is panicking and the situations I remember."

"Hmm... Are you sure there's nothing I can do?"

"You can't save everyone, Potter. But the best would be if you didn't speak about the war, it would make my attacks less frequent but nothing will erase them all."

"Okay..." He sounds hesitating. "But why did you return if you get attacks so often?"

"Better here than home. In Manor every room reminds me of the war, of what Voldemort did, of what my father did, what I did and there is no place I can run to. Here I at least have Pansy and Blaise."

"Oh. Would you like me to get one of them here? I think I saw Parkinson in the common room."

"That would be nice, but no. Please don't tell anyone of the attack. I don't want them to worry."

"Are you sure? What if it's some curse Voldemort cast on you?"

"A healer has examined me and he found nothing. I'm fine Potter, this is completely natural. I'll just sleep some time and I'll be fine."

"Okay. Sleep well!" I lay on the bed and try to relax. When Potter exits I fall asleep.

In the dream I walk around the Malfoy Manor. Voldemort has forbidden us from leaving so I just try to get as far as possible. I enter a hallway and from the corner of my eye I can see something shining in the pale light. I get closer and what I see is abandoned silver ring with no stone or ornaments. I cast a spell which tells there is no curse in the ring, so I take it. Inside I can see faint letters. It reads _L+N forever. _Is this my mother and father's engagement ring? Why is it here? This part of the manor has been abandoned since my parent's last row before the war when _mum lost her ring and it was never found! _So it was here. She won't miss it, father get her a new one, one that is fancier. I can keep this as a reminder of the better times, of love and agreement after an argument. I will take care of it. The comfort the thoughts make me feel is something I haven't felt for a long time, and for once, I wake up happy.

It's already past curfew and all the others are in the room , getting ready for the bed. I notice Blaise looking at me and lift my eyebrow questioningly.

"I was just wondering how you seemed so peaceful. Usually when I see you sleeping it's either after an attack and restless or then you're having a nightmare. It's good you sometimes really sleep well!" I try my best not to hear another voice saying 'sleep well'. And fail miserably.

"Well, I was having a dream of the time I found this ring."

"Oh, I've noticed you playing with it. What's it's story?"

"I found it from the Manor. Probably my parent's engagement ring my mother lost before the war. So I kind of adopted it."

Blaise's face softens into a smile. "That sounds nice."

We go to bed and I smile, partly because of the dream and what Blaise said, partly because I notice Potter looking at me thoughtfully.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: At the moment I'm really frustrated with this story, my computer deleted it and I have to rewrite this and half of the next chapter. So please, tell if you like it and I'll try to get the energy to write the rest of the things I already had written (and try to make it better than I remember it was :D). And people ask why I don't like computers... So, it's up to you all, do I continue? What do you think?**

**And the song is Evanescence's The Other Side and I own nothing. Except the weird plot... :P**

I'm sitting alone in our dorm studying, hoping I won't get another panic attack, I've had a few during the last week. The others are out with their girls. It does wake a slight feeling of envy in me but right now I really am happy surviving without assassination attempts. The atmosphere in our dorm has changed a lot for the better during the passed weeks when we have gotten to know each other properly, not only based on assumptions and prejudices. Suddenly I hear the door open and then bang closed and my reflexes get better of me: I find myself standing and pointing my wand at the one Harry Potter. Tears are flowing down his cheeks and he does nothing to protect himself.

"Potter? What has happened?"

"I... She... Ginny..." Potter breaks down to an uncontrollable sobbing and I can't help walking to him and pulling him to my chest. The tears have already filled my eyes in empathy. Yes, my 'interest' to him has not weakened during the weeks, if something then gotten stronger. But I do know Potter is not interested in me. And now he is crying to his girlfriend. Trough my self-pity a sudden thought strikes.

"Has something happened to the Weasley girl?" The question leads to more sobbing, trembling and clutching to my shirt. Finally Potter's breathing gets more even and he whispers his answer, an answer that would change it all.

"She..." Potter's voice breaks and he tries again. "She left me." He inhales deep but can't keep tears from falling. I hug him tighter as I see his pain. It's as if I felt the pain in his eyes in my body, piercing my heart.

"I'm sorry... Did she... Say any reason?"

"She just got angry because I won't use my fame to make things be the way she wants them. Sometimes she wants to use my fame and others she thinks it's a nuisance. One might think she would understand that I happen to be known but also that I don't want it and I don't want to take advantage of people based on what they think I am!"

"Shh... Easy! Girls are like that, not always making sense. If she loves you she'll get over it. And if she doesn't she's not good enough for you."

"Malfoy... Thanks! Sometimes it must really be good to be gay, no irrational and PMSing girlfriends. You wouldn't care to change?"

"Not for anything! I'm already enough insensible without a girl adding to it!" Potter smiles and I mentally sigh in relief. He's getting better and Weaselette, I should come up with a more poisonous nickname, will probably come crying back to him and apologise. I do feel jealous but don't let it show. I don't want Potter to be this broken.

"Malfoy?" His question surprises me. "Would you consider me as a friend if I asked?"

"I... Well, I would greatly appreciate it. But also... The war made some of us grow up quite fast and taught that the world rarely is only black and white, right and wrong, that a right choice done in the wrong time is no better than a wrong one done in the right time. And I did both and worse. I do understand if you want to stay as far from me as possible."

"Malfoy... I don't think that deep down you're a bad person. Your actions during the war proved that. You did what you had to survive. I wouldn't ask you to be my friend if I didn't want you to be one. So, do you want to be my friend?"

"Okay, Potter", I smile experimentally and he answers with a smile of his own.

"Harry." He offers his hand. "Friends."

I take it. "Friends, Harry."

–

For the time before dinner we chat about random things and finally walk to the Great Hall together. We sit with Pansy since Weasel and Granger are eating with Weaselette. We talk and Pansy just rises her brows at our use of first names. I know that I will hear about it later and my thought is proven right when she after the dinner asks for a private conversation.

We walk to a secluded part of the castle and she looks at me, her eyes commanding me to tell everything.

"Draco, what's going on? Why did he sit with us and not with his friends and girlfriend? And why did you use first names?"

"She's not his girlfriend. She left him about an hour ago. He came to our dorm crying and I comforted him and he asked if I would accept his friendship and I said yes."

"Oh, that's good, now you can begin hitting him!"

"No, Pansy, the man is grieving, broken. I just wish she sees it and heals him."

"So are you. You could help him heal better than a happy joyful girl ever could!"

"No. I'll do my best as a friend but nothing more. I don't dear."

"Maybe you should begin with apologising to him for all you've done?"

"I've done that. And I thanked him for saving my life also."

"You? Draco Malfoy?"

"Yes. But he did it first. It would have been stupid of me not to follow his example."

"Oh, my Draco." Pansy hugs me and I draw comfort from her, not really sure why she is offering it.

–

I walk into our dorm and see Po...Harry lying on his bed, the potions book and a scroll of parchment and a quill laid in front of him. His face is desperate but I see a flicker of hope as he turns to me.

"Ma... Draco, you're good at potions, aren't you?"

"Well, yes. Why?"

"Would you help me with the assignment of healing draughts? I don't understand a word of what there is in our book!"

"Well, I can try to explain it to you but I can't understand it for you. So what don't you exactly understand?"

"Well, anything about potions. You name it, I don't get it." I look at him. I didn't have an idea he is so bad at potions... Then a thought strikes me.

"Here you go, a book about healing draughts from the library. It's a bit more complicated but I find it easier to understand. And there is more examples also. And ask me if you want me to explain. It's just I've studied quite a lot more than we're supposed to on healing potions, me explaining might go way over your head."

"Thanks!" He turns back to his books and I have a chance to inspect his beautiful neck while he tears his hair.

–

I'm sitting in the common room helping Harry and Blaise with their homework when I hear noise from the door. A very angry looking Ginny Weasley heads to Harry's direction as if there was no one else in the room. When she stands in front of him she begins yelling.

"What the fuck have you done! I'm not a cheap whore you can order around, no matter how famous and good at quidditch you are! I will not stomach you telling me what to do!"

"Ginny... I just told you how to get the snitch..."

"Don't you dare to interrupt! Soon you'll begin talking about Malfoy again as you always do. I'm so sick and tired of this. This is the end. Really. You sure know how to break a girl's heart." She turns to me. "And you, I will never forget you stole my boyfriend, never, do you hear me?" As I nod dumbly she gives us a sharp nod and walks away.

My eyes go to Harry, my crying Harry. I stand and gently take him to our dorm with Blaise's help. When finally there I sit him to his bed and sit next to him myself. I rub Harry's back and do my best to comfort him as he sobs to my chest and Blaise explains what happened to Weasley and Longbottom. Weasley comes to sit the other side of Harry and tries to soothe him down as well. I don't know what to do, there's nothing I can do to wake the hope in him like the last time. There's nothing I can do and it hurts. As I realise Harry's sobs have quieted and his breathing calmed down I remove one hand from around him. He opens his eyes and stares at the wet spot in my chest his tears created and then follows my hand with his eyes. When he sees the ring he looks at it for a moment.

"Ring, Draco", He whispers.

"Yes, it is."

"I mean where is it from?"

"I found it from the Manor, it was lying on the floor in an unused wing. I decided to adopt it so that finding it would represent a new beginning."

"You're sure there is no curse in it? Something Voldemort put on it in a free moment?"

"Voldemort never was in that part of the Manor. And I checked there was no curses." I speak in a low tone in order to not make Harry cry again.

"Good. I... Thank you all, may I sleep now?" The words are directed to all of us and we go to our beds to get ready to sleep, none of us willing to go to the common room and confront all the curious people there. The last thing I hear before falling asleep is a quiet sob that tears my heart apart.

_Harry's POV_

I wake up to the sound of someone getting off the bed, of course right when I had finally managed to fall asleep. Strangely enough, when I had thought of Ginny the whole night in the sleep there was Draco. Or not really, I could feel his presence but not see him. And there was something... evil, a weird air there. And then I saw a ring in front of me and I knew I had to save Draco, I just don't know how.

The someone is getting to the bathroom and as the door closes I sit up and look around. It's Draco. And then I hear humming and can't help it but sneak to the bathroom door. What I hear could put an angel in shame, it's so beautiful.

"_Make me whole again_

_Open your eyes_

_Taunted by the shadows of your light_

_Cold and far away_

_like your not even mine_

_Undo everything and take me higher_

_Never believe in what they say cause I'm_

_Counting the days to meet you on the other side_

_I will always be waiting_

_until the day that I see you on the other side_

_Come and take me home"_

It was so beautiful! And told about Draco, how he is cold and beautiful and vulnerable and unachievable and... The continuing song quiets down my thoughts.

"_I'm not giving in_

_I want you back_

_holding together by the shards of our past_

_Stole my heart away_

_I can't let you go_

_Break these chains and let me fly to you_

_high above the world below_

_Over and over in my mind_

_Counting the days to meet you on the other side_

_I will always be waiting_

_until the day that I see you on the other side_

_Come and take me home_

_I am so lost without my place inside your heart_

_I won't survive I need to know you hear me_

_Awaken and release my love_

_Counting the days to meet you on the other side_

_I will always be waiting_

_until the day that I see you on the other side_

_Come and take me_

_Counting the days to meet you on the other side_

_I will always be waiting_

_until the day that I see you on the other side_

_Come and take me home"_

It's about him, the whole song is about Draco! If I just could sing it to him! Suddenly I realise the shower has stopped and get back to my bed just in time before Draco gets out.

"Morning, Draco!" I greet him as if I had just woken up.

"Morning! Feeling any better?" His voice is like silk and... Why exactly do I feel like this, my girlfriend has just left me and I think about how attractive my friend is! What's wrong with me?

"Well, I barely slept. But, eventually, the pain will fade and only the scar will remain." I smile sadly and he returns the smile as if remembering his own scars. I stand up and walk to the bathroom, smelling Draco in the warm air.

_Draco POV_

What was that? He seemed as if he had haphazardly jumped back to the bed. Maybe he just was trying to act as if he had slept, even if that was a little. Because he definitely was sleeping, I could hear him mumble when I woke up. Maybe my singing was what woke him? I had forgotten to cast the silencing charm. Hopefully he didn't realise it was me singing a muggle song!

As Harry exits all the others are up and getting ready for the breakfast.

"Harry, mate, are you all right? Should you have your breakfast here, after all that Ginny said I figure you don't want to see her." Weasley, always a straightforward Gryffindor. Harry's back stiffens at the name of his ex.

"Just... Don't talk about her. I'll be all right and come with you but just don't talk about her, it hurts too much." Oh, why can't I comfort him, why? This breaks me!

"Are you sure? You look like you haven't slept at all and..." Don't irritate a tired lion!

"I'm fine! I'll go to the breakfast, she's not going to restrict my life!" Harry snaps and Weasley gets pale.

"Okay, that's good!"

"Good", Harry walks out of the room and we hurry to follow him, hoping he won't break down in front of the whole Great Hall.

I walk to Pansy and sit with her, throwing a worried look to Harry who sits with Weasley and Granger. Pansy asks me to tell what happened last night and as I repeat everything I realise something.

"Pansy, why did she say that I stole her boyfriend? And that Harry always talks about me?"

"Well, I don't know. Maybe you should ask him? Maybe your chances aren't so bad in the end."

"No, I can't ask! And I can't ask her either! And now I can't stop thinking about it!"

"Can't stop thinking about what? Some fit bloke?" Blaise sits next to me.

"Blaise..." I sigh. "No. or actually yes. But why did Weaselette say that I stole her boyfriend? And that he always talks about me?"

"Oh, so the one you're interested in _is_ Potter? How fitting, you always want the best!" I glare at him and he continues. "But to your questions, I don't know of the former, but I can tell I've hardly ever spoked with Potter without him mentioning you. Sometimes he wonders what you do or where you are or what you would think of some thing or then he asks about your past. He does it discreetly but when you think about it, it's there. And he told that he was downright obsessed with you during our sixth year!"

"Oh."

"Draco, you should just hit on him, it won't be that hard given he already thinks about you really much!" Pansy tries to encourage me.

"I can't, he's straight and he won't want me! And I don't want to lose him, it's so good to have him as a friend! It's just so damn difficult!"

"What's difficult?" Harry asks.

"Life", I answer bitterly, hoping he didn't hear what we were talking.

"Anyway, I was wondering if you still have that book of healing droughts? I have yet to finish my assignment and I need to check a few things."

"Yes, it's on my nightstand, you can take it from there. Or do you need my help?"

"No, the book is fine. Thanks!"

"No problem!" As fast as Harry has departed Pansy begins to scowl at me.

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"Because one, I don't trust myself around him and two, it's too painful sometimes, especially when he's sad."

"Okay. But Draco, I want you to know that we are beside you whatever you do!"

"Thank you!" I feel the tears rising to my eyes as I smile to Pansy who isn't far from tears herself.

"Yes, we are indeed. Think of it, our little Draco growing up and flying the nest... So sad!" Blaise looks at me with father's pride but as I lift one eyebrow he can't help laughing. Soon we all laugh, happy to enjoy the small delights our lives offer. As I think of Harry my heart flutters and I have to admit I'm not merely interested anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: The song is Evanescence's Never Go Back**

"In the world there are two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it." - Oscar Wilde

"Draco? Can you explain me what this sentence means?"

"Look at you Harry, you've gotten better! Before you asked for a word, now a whole sentence! Soon you'll be the best of us!" Harry snorts.

"As if you would let that happen, I'm sure you will see I won't get better than you!"

"What, don't you trust me?"

"Yes I do, I trust that you want the glory!"

"You know me too well! Anyway, read the sentence."

"Hmm... Add all the other ingredients before the liquid begins to boil, but when there is already bubbles visible. But what's the difference? Doesn't a potion boil when it bubbles?"

"Well, there's a slight difference. Boiling is when the whole potion bubbles, but if not stirred the lowest part usually bubbles before that. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" Suddenly it's hard to breath as if my tie was too tight.

"Yes, I guess. Hey, Draco! Where are you going?"

I walk out of the library and to a window while loosening my tie and trying to breath deep. Suddenly my vision blurs and then I feel a hand on my shoulder, another Death Eater trying to get me! I turn around to protect myself but black spots take over before I can see who stands behind me. Last thing I hear is somebody calling my name. I hear the voice from far, far away as if I was falling and the echoes fill my ears.

–

"You idiot! Why can't you just see a healer, why must you be so stubborn! I can't stand it if something happens to you!" I can hear a voice whining and a cold stone floor under my back. Where am I? As I open my eyes I meet green ones, laced with worry. As those notice my eyes opening they sink to my chest and I can hear a sigh of relief.

As Harry's head lifts I can see him fighting back tears. One of them escapes and flows down his cheek. As an impulse I lift my hand and wipe it away. My hand stays on his cheek as our eyes lock and then he bends forward giving me a soft kiss. When he draws back my eyes are wide and I just stare at him, too amazed to say anything. I try to smile but his words cut in.

"I'm sorry, let's just act as if that never happened okay? I'm just happy you're all right." Harry stands up and offers me a hand. He draws me up but turns away and walks to the library to get his things. We walk back to our dorm in silence.

–

I drag Pansy out of the common room and when we are alone and not seen by anyone I bounce happily and very un-Dracoishly. Pansy looks at me surprised as I hug her.

"Pansy he kissed me!"

"What! Really? How? Tell me all the gory details!" She squeals, just the way I knew she would.

"Well, it was actually just a slight peck but... It was HIM doing it! I just lied on the floor."

"What, how did you end up on the floor? Did he push you down?"

"No, I just fainted and..."

"Draco Malfoy, are you telling me you got yet another panic attack? They are getting more and more frequent!"

"It's probably just that I'm here and all the homework and trying to suffocate my feelings for Harry."

"By the way, Blaise mentioned Harry asking questions about you, I wonder what he has told, hopefully not how you realised you were gay?" My face gets pale.

"He _can't_ have told him about _that_!" Just the idea that Harry might know about my wet dreams of Snape or the disgustingly erotic ones of Snape with my father makes me want to hang myself or go hiding forever.

"Yeah, probably not. And hopefully not about you stealing my underwear and wearing them when nobody notices."

"You _know_!" I feel like I could faint.

"Well, I _do_ notice if my most beautiful bra is missing when I'm going on a date. And I saw you returning it and the rest I got by spying you."

"I'm so sorry! Please don't hate me I didn't mean..."

"Easy Draco, it's all right. And I can't say it wasn't a delight to see you on those..."

"I know what you mean, just a thought of Harry in those red lace knickers makes me _so_ hard..."

"Yeah..." We both sigh, our eyes glazing over and wander to our own fantasies. As a group of Huffelpuffs walks past I snap back to reality from a world full of Harrys in women's underwear.

"Draco, you do realise this is a great possibility? That Harry kisses you."

"I guess... But he still wants to act as if it never happened. What should I do?"

"I'd say he lives in denial and hasn't probably realised his own feelings yet. And I'd say he doesn't know about your feelings either."

"How could he know, I'm just drooling over him and studying with him and..."

"But Draco, have you once asked him to study with you or is it always him asking you?"

"Well... I haven't, but he asks for help, I don't need help!"

"Then you should just come up with some other excuse to be with him, what if he thinks you're with him just because he wants to be with you? Think about it." Pansy walks back leaving me alone with my thoughts.

–

I am sitting with Harry in the library studying rite curses. They are usually hard to trace because they demand several casters and thus there is not one magical signature like usually but several ones mixed which makes it also harder to determine who cast the curse. For once Harry seems to be interested and is totally immersed into the book so when he speaks I almost jump up.

"Draco, can I look at your ring?" What? Why?

"Sure", I stretch my hand to him but when he tries to take my ring from my finger I pull it back. "What are you doing?"

"I was going to look if there are letters there, this text says the curses are difficult to trace but usually there are the initials of the casters in the artifact."

"Of course there is letters, this is my parents' engagement ring! It reads '_L+N forever' _in the inside!" I glare at Harry

"Oh... But are you sure, it's hard to imagine a ring that simple would be their engagement ring. What if it's cursed and..."

"Where are you getting at? Don't you think I know my parents better than you do? They love each other so much they didn't need a fancy ring to prove it! Until Voldemort showed up... And why do you have this obsession about me being cursed? Don't you think I've been trough enough without that?"

"No, Draco, listen to me, I'm just worried..."

"Oh, sure. You're worried that you can't save every single person. I don't know why I thought our friendship would ever work, Potter." I spit the last word out of my mouth and walk away, hardly keeping myself from running. Harry doesn't follow me.

I go to a deserted classroom and hide under the teacher's table. There I'm safe and not seen from the door. I cast a silencing charm and finally broke into sobs. Why do I _always_ have to ruin _every_ _fucking_ _single_ _thing?_ Why can't I just for _once_ be happy with what I have and _keep my fucking mouth shut_? Why do I chase away the only people who I want? I'm just so _fucking_ _screwed_ _up_!

I cry and scream, for how long I do not know. Finally I don't have any tears left and I just sit there, under the table, feeling hollow, as if someone had ripped my heart away. Oh, I forgot, it was me who did it. The realisation just wakes a bitter smile, I don't even feel the pain. Maybe it's easier this way, being hollow and frozen more than over-emotional. Maybe it's easier if I don't feel the pain, just a dull ache in my chest.

I pull my knees into my chest and lie on my side, letting the coldness from the stone floor climb to my equally cold body and falling to stupor.

–

"Draco! _Draco_!" I hear someone calling my name, open my eyes and see Blaise bent down over me, his eyes full of worry. "Gosh, I already thought you wouldn't wake up!" He sighs and pulls back.

"Blaise", I cough, my voice raspy with previous crying and lying on the cold floor. "How did you find me?"

"Potter has this map which shows everyone's location. But what happened? He seemed sad and angry when he stomped back from your 'date'."

"Hmph... We... Argued." The memory wrapping around my heart has me bending over and I'm near throwing up. Blaise looks at me worryingly.

"Really, what is it that happened?"

"I... I got over protective of my ring because Harry thinks there is a curse in it which causes my attacks and I told him he can't save everyone and that I don't know why I thought our friendship would work. Blaise, I was a fucking idiot and threw everything we had away..." I break into sobs and Blaise hugs me, trying to calm me down.

"Draco, I don't think you threw everything away. Potter knows that it's hard for you to let people close and trust them. He knows you're broken deep down even though you're trying to hide it. Please just remember that love and hate aren't antithesis to each other. They are both really strong feelings and really much alike. Antithesis to love is indifference and that's a feeling there's never been between you two. There's still hope and that's something I'm not going to let you throw away and neither is Pansy."

"Blaise... Thank you! For everything." Slowly my sobs cease and Blaise and I sit on the floor just hugging each other. I just wish it wouldn't always be this way, that he's there for me. I wish I could sometimes be there for him too. When I say it he just smiles slowly.

"Draco you are there for me, more than you realise. I really do love you, you know." I look at him bemused. "As a friend", he adds and I sigh in relief.

"I love you too, as a friend. I don't know where I would be without you and Pansy."

"You would be depressed and alone. But trust me, you're a person who always finds friends and people to be with. Maybe it's your smile, it's as if the room always lighted up when you arrive. Or it used to be. But you will get back there. I will get you a boyfriend and get your joy of life back even if I have to drag you there myself. Maybe I just care too much about you." He sighs and I smile slowly. I really don't know how I would survive without my friends.

Blaise drags me back to our dorm and I'm almost positive of apologising to Harry, but his curtains are closed. I sigh and one single tear rolls down my cheek. I really fucked it all up. I cry myself to sleep, not bothering to use my usual silencing charms. I just hope someone hears, that someone cares and comes to comfort me but no one comes and I cry myself to sleep alone, unwanted.

–

I wake up and go to take a shower as usual. I cast the silencing charms as has become my habit and begin singing a song so sad it used to tear my heart apart. Now I can feel nothing. I wish I could sing it to Harry.

"_Everything is so dark and I know there's_

_something wrong but I can't turn the light on_

_In that split second change_

_when you knew we couldn't hold on I realized_

_I live to love you_

_Save yourself_

_Don't look back_

_Tearing us apart until it's all gone_

_The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves_

_but I remember_

_I won't give up on you_

_I can feel you in my heart just show me the way_

_I don't belong here alone_

_I can still see your face_

_where it's burned into my mind_

_I die every time I close my eyes_

_you're always there_

_Save yourself_

_Don't look back_

_Tearing us apart until it's all gone_

_The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves_

_But I'm the one who's drowning_

_Without your love I'm lost_

_and I can never go back home_

_All across the ocean_

_We are calling, calling_

_Are you there_

_Nothing left for me till I find you because it's all gone_

_The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves_

_But I'm the one who's drowning_

_Without your love I'm lost_

_and I can never go back home" _When the song ends tears are rolling down my face and I can feel the familiar pressure in my chest. I'm just too drained, both mentally and physically, to care. I just stand in apathy as my vision goes to black and I fall down to dark infinity.

_Harry's POV_

I wake up again when Draco gets up from bed and goes to bathroom. It has become a habit to listen when he sings in the shower, I just take down his charms and afterwards cast them again so that he won't get too suspicious.

Today's somehow different, Draco doesn't hum before singing as he usually does, as if he was down. The memory of the quiet sobs from his bed last night bangs to my head. It had taken long from Blaise to talk him out of the classroom he was hiding in and he didn't say a word back in our dorm. I also received a glare from Blaise when I opened my curtains after Draco going to bed as if it was my fault Draco was crying. And I don't know why it pained me so much that I couldn't comfort him, tell him it's all right like he did after Ginny... No, don't think of that!

And then the sad, tearful song begins and my eyes water as I hear the words that tell about Draco, my little Draco. If he just sang those words for me, that he lives to love me... Wait what did I just say?

"_The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves_

_But I'm the one who's drowning_

_Without your love I'm lost_

_and I can never go back home" _I hear Draco singing and I can't help thinking that must be how he feels, that he never can go back to his home, corrupted with memories of Voldemort and his followers. That must be terrible. When the song ends I'm just casting the new silencing charm when I hear a loud thump and then nothing. What happened? I try to listen but as I hear nothing I cast _alohomora_ and open the door. Draco is lying on the floor unconscious.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I'm really sorry this has taken me so long! First university entrance exams didn't leave me any time to write, after that I had no idea what was going to happen in the story and then our internet died... Now I'm posting this as fast as I can so please forgive me all the mistakes :D**

"_I love your skin, oh so white_

_I love your touch, cold as ice_

_And I love every single tear you cry_

_I just love the way you're losing your life"_

– _HIM, Gone With the Sin_

I don't remember what happened after I saw Draco lying on the floor. I must have yelled because the others woke up and fetched Madam Pomfrey. I just sat on the floor hugging him, trying to wake him, holding him on my arms. He just couldn't leave me, he just couldn't. We had yet to apologise for what happened last evening, we had yet to decide to remain friends. We had yet to really know each other. This couldn't be the end! Those were my thoughts then and would still be if there wasn't Pansy.

Draco was levitated to the Hospital Wing and he was being inspected while I sat outside, trying to remain cool. Then she arrived.

"Potter, I heard Draco's unconscious. Is he all right?"

"I don't know, they are still examining him."

"Okay. Then, I have something to tell you. Blaise said you and Draco had a fight last night and that Draco was really broken, sitting crying under a classroom table, is this true?"

"Mm I guess it is..."

"Then, if you _ever_ hurt Draco again I will hang you from your balls to the ceiling of the Great Hall. He is my best friend and I will _not_ see you or anyone else important to him hurting him like that! He has suffered enough as things are!"

"I know. And I'm not intending to hurt him, I never was. He just got angry when I hinted there might be a curse on his ring."

"Well no wonder, it's really important to him. He adores it and thinks it's a symbol of his parent's love and the time before the war. Like an antithesis to all he was made to do, all the things that cause his attacks. But why is he still unconscious if it was just another attack?"

"I don't know! I hope someone comes out and tells the reason. I hope he just hit his head when he fell..."

–

We don't get an answer for three more hours. When Draco's been unconscious for almost five hours a healer finally walks out.

"Is he all right? What is it?" Pansy has left earlier and it's only me there now. The worried look the healer has kills all my hopes, suddenly I know he hasn't woken yet.

"We don't know what is it, it's like nothing any of us has ever seen before, maybe like some curse's doings but there is no curse _cast_ on him. As if he had some cursed artifact that is eating away his magic."

"What could that artifact be?"

"Anything. A book or a cloth or even his bed. Something here at Hogwarts, however. It must be something he has close all the time, something he does not suspect to be cursed. Something he trusts. Or someone." He looks at me and I return the look, horror in my face.

"So if there's someone cursed close to him, his or her curse might have done this?"

"Yes, it's possible." I sink down, not believing my ears. Couldn't any of us have a curse on us after the war? What if it's me? The mere thought makes it hard to breathe.

"Could you determine if certain artifacts have a curse on them?" I decide to hold the little hope I have. If we find the curse we can break it.

"Probably, but there's the chance it's complicated and to be sure can take days. At the moment we have maybe two or three days, since this has gone unnoticed for so long."

I nod and run to our dorm, luckily the room is empty as everybody's having lunch. Draco's ring lies on his bedside and I fight the urge to throw it to the nearest wall. I take it and run back to the healer and as I step in the room Draco is in I halt dead on my tracks. Draco's face is as white as his pillow and his skin has a grey, sick shade. Even in his unconscious state I can see the pain etched to his features. He's suffering and I can't do a thing. Pain stabs my heart.

I hand the ring to the man I spoke with earlier and he tells they will do their utmost to determine whether there is a curse or not. I just nod numbly and go back to our dorm. I can't stand to see Draco like that. I close my curtains, not noticing the worried questions my friends ask, and cry myself to sleep. I don't even know why I react this way, somehow it just feels essential that Draco returns.

–

The next day I go to all my classes but when I'm called to the Hospital Wing by McGonagall I run away as if I had Voldemort on my heels. As I enter I'm totally out of breath and all the occupants of the room look at me surprised.

"Well, now that you're here we can begin. As you suspected Harry, there was a curse on Malfoy's ring. A clever and subtle one, dark magic rite curse and almost traceless. Luckily it interferes with Malfoy's magic or it might have gone unnoticed." I sigh deep, relieved, but this soon changes as the headmistress carries on. "It's also difficult, almost impossible to break. We will need a new rite but we will also need to determine who it was that actually cast the curse for the people we need depend on that. We have to repeat the ritual with people who have the same main characteristics because only they can break the curse."

I stare at her in disbelief, this can't be true. How are we going to find out who Death Eaters had access to the Malfoy Manor? For the minority didn't.

"Luckily, the wards of the Malfoy Manor will tell us who have been permitted access. We just have to determine who of the initials N and L could have done this, in other words were there in the same time", McGonagall continues.

"Isn't it Mr and Mrs Malfoy?" I ask.

"The initials in a rite curse come from the surname. Luckily we don't have to blame Malfoy's parents for this. But I'll need Miss Granger's help, she's good at searching information and using logic and that's exactly what we need."

–

Luckily Hermione agrees to help, I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't. She looked at me suspiciously, though, when I asked her, okay, begged her to help Draco. She said that she helps but only because he's my friend. Friend. I really don't know if that's all he is, the horror I'm feeling when thinking of him in the Hospital Wing is something I don't recall feeling when Ginny was there after the broom accident at the beginning of the term, granted her injuries were less lethal.

After a day of inspections and an excursion to Malfoy Manor Hermione is almost certain that the casters of the curse are no others than Bellatrix Lestrange and Nott senior. She has also come to the conclusion that the word 'forever' is some kind of a trigger, every time someone says it aloud the curse becomes a bit stronger.

When Hermione tells me what we need to break the curse I am stunned. How can we find two people to represent the casters? Is there really someone like Bellatrix? But when Hermione tells who she had thought of, I realise she is right, who would be better in the role than the caster's sister, Narcissa Malfoy? The one to represent Nott was more difficult since none of us really knew anything of him.

Luckily Lucius Malfoy helped us (Yeah, really!) and to everyone's surprise the one to represent Nott is Neville, how unpredictable. I really have to admit he has changed a great deal during the war.

In the ritual we also need people who know Draco well, that is Pansy and Blaise, and someone with a great deal of power and knowledge, that is me and Hermione. Dumbledore would have been perfect for the part, I hope we will make it.

Tonight we'll meet at the Hospital Wing since it's full moon. Hermione also mentioned something about stars being in the right places, but I didn't really get it. Ron is really pissed off, first because he isn't included in the plan, and secondly because he doesn't understand why we fuss about Draco so much. I don't know it myself, I just know I can't afford to lose him.

–

We have all arrived to the Hospital Wing and everyone seems more than a bit nervous, most of all Mrs Malfoy. She is holding Draco's had with tears in her eyes, very uncharacteristic of her. I put a hand on her shoulder and she flashes a sad smile towards me.

"He's a good boy, you know. I never told how important he is and now it might be too late..." She breaks off.

"It isn't. It must not be!" I hear the tears in my voice when I think of all the things I haven't told Draco myself.

Hermione's voice interrupts our moping and we all get to a circle around a table where the ring lies, the ring that I hate from the bottom of my heart. Narcissa Malfoy stands across from Neville and I'm on her right with Blaise between me and Neville. On Neville's right there's Hermione leaving Pansy between her and Mrs Malfoy.

With last encouraging nod from Hermione Mrs Malfoy speaks out the trigger word and we can see the curse running around the ring. We begin our chanting, each knowing exactly what to do.

Neville and Narcissa Malfoy repeat the rite that created the curse as Hermione and I support them with our magic meanwhile trying to counter it with a special charm Hermione found. Pansy and Blaise's task is to keep a picture of Draco in their minds so that his soul won't be lost in the process.

We begin chanting and are fast concentrated, deep in the charms and curses we use.

–

At least outwardly our attempt to break the curse seems to succeed; the text has disappeared from the ring but there's no change visible in Draco. The others soon leave, too drained to stay but I can't drag myself from Draco. I sit down to the chair next to his bed heavily and grab his hand. I let my lips touch it gently, not having the energy to keep my head up. I hear noise from behind me and as I turn, can see Hermione behind me. She steps closer and puts her hands around me.

"He will come around Harry, I'm certain. The ritual went just as it was supposed to. I guess he's just really tired, he's been fighting the curse for a really long time. He must be really strong, most of people would have fallen after few weeks and he lasted over a year!"

"Yeah... I just hope everything would return to the way things were, I just... I just miss him really much."

"I know. And I'm sure everything will turn out all right. My mother used to say that if you love something, you should set it free. If it returns back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. You have freed him now, you just have to wait and see whether he returns to you." Hermione gives a comforting tap to my shoulder and leaves me to my thoughts.

Love, do I love Draco?

I sit by his bed for an hour but as he seems to continue sleeping I take my leave and go to bed.

For a long time I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering what it exactly is that I feel for him.

Draco's been unconscious for four days.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Okay, I know there's no good excuse for this taking so long... But I do blame my studies.. Aand the song, Evanescence again, called End of the Dream.**

_Love's violent tune  
From me to you  
Rips your heart out and leaves you  
Bleeding with a smile on your face_

– _HIM_

_Draco's POV_

I wake up. I remember hearing voices at some time of the last night and the coldness disappearing. Then I fell to sleep, sleep so peaceful I can't recall when I last slept as well. Now I'm awake and somehow I feel like it was spring, as warm and... sunny as when the snow melts after a long winter. I must have hit my head for I've never been this poetic, I wonder what has happened. I remember getting a panic attack at the bathroom and after that everything's black.

What day is it?

I hear a sharp inhale from next to me and someone squeezes my hand.

"Draco, you're awake?"

That voice... I remember and argument, crying under a table, sadness and ice cold floor... And something green, like emeralds. Soft lips against my own. Is this happening now or is it a memory? At some point I have closed my eyes again and I open them as I feel hair brushing against my forehead. I see greenness so deep I could drown to it. Someone's eyes full of tears, someone's lips against my own.

"Oh Draco!"

Suddenly all the memories rush back at me and I realise it's Harry who's kissing me, Harry who I love so much and tears fill my eyes.

"Harry", I whisper my voice cracking. I place one hand to the back of his neck and pull him closer to kiss him, kiss him, kiss him and never let go.

–

The days after my waking have been a fuss. There has been someone to greet me all the time and I and Harry haven't really had time to discuss. Especially mother has barely left my side. Now, however, I've been let out of the hospital wing and am on my way back to my dorm. I hope Harry's there for I want to, I _need_ to speak with him. He has to tell me all that has happened, most importantly what he feels for me, for I can tell something has changed. Something in his eyes.

I greet my friends at the common room but soon excuse myself to go to our room. I open the door and step inside. The room is empty.

As I walk to my bed the bathroom door opens an Harry steps out. He looks at me and the moment our eyes lock feels like an eternity. And then, suddenly, he's there hugging me, pulling me to his chest and the warmth radiating from him almost has me in tears.

"God Draco, you're back!"

I pull back and as I see Harry's eyes looking at me filled with warmth I can't help kissing him deeply and he answers with just as much vigour, if not more. I find myself pushed against a bed post and as I shift slightly Harry's weight pushes us to my bed. I don't mind him on top of me, most definitely not the feeling of his erection pressed against my thigh. He must feel mine touching his stomach. The mere thought of Harry Potter being hard for me makes my cock jump. Or it would if I didn't have the said guy on top of it.

Slowly Harry pulls back and the passion in his eyes has me speechless for a moment. He uses the time to lick my earlobe and the moan that leaves my mouth has him grinding his groin against mine and suddenly the only thought that fills my head is to get his clothes off. As fast as possible. So, I grab my wand and vanish every item either of us is wearing and as I feel the hot and hard Harry on top of me, naked, I nearly come.

Harry rolls from top of me and takes my cock into his hand and _god_, it feels so much better than I ever could have dreamed. As he moves his had I can feel the pleasure pooling in me and grab his hardness before I'm too close and unable to do anything.

As my had closes around his cock I hear his groan and that together with the silky feeling makes my legs go all weak. Luckily it doesn't matter at the moment. I move my hand as he moves his and soon we are both panting, kissing and trying to hold it together as long as possible.

"Draco, I..."

As I hear my name roll out of his mouth in a gasp I can't help it any more and we come together, shouting to each other's mouths.

Afterwards we lay on the bed entangled, enjoying the warmth and the feeling, electricity tangible between us.

"I think we should get to shower before anyone walks in", I whisper and Harry nods, rising up.

"You look delicious, you know", Harry looks at me as his hand softly draws the line of the scar in my chest. I kiss him, deeply, but as I change my position I can feel the pool of his come running down towards my bed and hurry to prevent it reaching its destination. I do know of cleaning and drying charms, they just leave the strange feeling to bed-covers, trust me.

As we walk to the bathroom and I switch on the shower I can feel a warm body pressed against mine from behind and a soft whisper against my ear.

"Would you like to sing for me?"

My face turns read as I turn to face Harry.

"You _know_?!"

"I do. I've never heard anything quite so beautiful in my life", he smiles and I can feel my features soften.

As I smile he kisses me softly and returns the smile encouragingly. I begin a song I've been wanting to sing for him. For a long time.

"_I found a grave_

_brushed off the face_

_felt your light and_

_I remember why I know this place_

_I found a bird_

_closing her eyes one last time_

_and I wondered if she dreamed like me_

_As much as it hurts, ain't it wonderful to feel?_

_So go on and break your wings_

_Follow your heart till it bleeds_

_as we run towards the end of the dream_

_I'm not afraid_

_I pushed trough the pain_

_and I'm on fire_

_I remember how to breathe again_

_As much as it hurts, ain't it wonderful to feel?_

_So go on and break your wings_

_Follow your heart till it bleeds_

_as we run towards the end of the dream_

_Why must we fall apart_

_to understand how to fly_

_I will find a way_

_even without wings_

_Follow your heart till it bleeds_

_as we run towards the end of the dream_

_Follow your heart till it bleeds_

_and we've come to the end of the dream" _As the last note leaves my lips I can feel Harry's pressed on them.

"I hope this dream never ends", he whispers softly. "I love you Draco."

I stare at him, not believing my ears.

"It took me long to understand it but now I know for sure. And I never want to leave your side."

I wrap my hands tightly around Harry and kiss his ear.

"I love you too", I whisper, my voice thick with emotion. "And I won't let you go, just so you know!" I look at him commandingly.

Harry kisses me deeply and as I answer the kiss I notice that after a long time I am truly happy. I have all I could possibly hope for.


End file.
